Diva is often a put down, but I use it as high praise. In my mind, I have a “Diva Exemption Clause.” Welcome to Blowdryer speak! In my book, and this is my book, that Exemption applies straight across the board, any boards. Cooks, Chefs, Carpenters, painters, musicians, engineers, coders, writers, lawyers, nurses, editors, decent plumbers and, in my case, other show people. Divas who, against all odds, demand a backstage area when running a Smut Fest in London, Baltimore, and Chicago, lands with no Stage Managers for us, apparently. In my situation the unschooled zygote of a sound guy in usually the bad definition of a Dive, so I sugar coat every damn thing to operate and keep the peace.

I, an impoverished and unfamous Diva, must never act like one. Folks with a lot less experience and years are usually ‘in charge’ and I’ve spent 25 years with the same therapist striving to not become a Dragon Lady. Now I’m old, and accustomed to perception. Us Divas are subject to people who never walked the boards, as Rafael, a musician and mind of extra ordinary talent, calls it. The wooden stage boards. Lou Reed walked into a room and instantly knew which part of what system was off. Marlene Dietrich god bless her, was very precise about stage lighting. I’m sure there are very young people, known to the very young I could use for a parallel example, but face it, I’m old have become a “Velvet Elder”, a term privately coined by an audio producer in the most dumpy part of Sacramento.

P.S. Show people aren’t necessarily theater or movie people. Theater people usually hate me, movie people are in a different orbit and must be cautious with both strangers and spouses.

Diva Spiritual Axiom: be ruthless in identifying your true strength and weaknesses. This entire Diva section is very Diva. Outisde of the Opera world, Divas make other people arch their backs. “Who does she think she is?!” I understand, skip this section and move on to another letter of the alphabet. Its not personal, only a knee jerk reaction. Most likely, there
is absolutely nothing going on between you and I.

My enemy Damian wrote in a typically overlong email or text:

“People are starting to say you’re acting like a Deva, Jennifer”

“Its Diva, with an I” I replied. “Its spelled with an I.”

Axiom: Never give power to group think. I once had a drummer who was unraveling. I should have paid more attention to that wife beaterish time bomb.

“The People who count all agree that you’re mediocre” he texted, then gave a presentation on how bad I was to Jane LeCroy, a poet, jazz style, a mom and teacher who anybody would value.

“It’s like working in the Gulag for Stalin” he added, and called my sound engineer ever day, complaining about me. That could have hurt me, but Kevin knew better, and gave him the only true response.

“Why don’t you tell it to HER that” he parried, as Marc’s spite cut into valuable minutes of studio time. Bands really eat into everybody’s time, which is why wives and husbands hate us.

“I was REHEARSING, honey!” we insist, “and then we had to go out for drinks!”

Another bandmember’s son died after ingesting a lot of Edibles, marijuana infused gummy bears of great concentration. The effects of naive Edible consumption are not yet a public topic. As a Diva I know some things way ahead of time, which puts me in the “Avant Garde”. Jazz critic and philosopher Albert Murray spent a career in the military, and interpreted Avant Garde from that perspective. The Avant Garde are the troops sent to the front of the battlefield get dead or wounded. Murray, in his book “The Blue Devils of Nada”, explained why the avant garde can never have a whole career as a sacred cow.

Email and text zingers exchanged within ensemble work are best left alone. I’ve made a living as a freelance writer, so I write emails to seduce, or diffuse a matter in order to stop a situation from escalating. I’m often disarming, as I’ve had to be: Put Down Your Arms.

Mostly I write emails because I want or need something. Don’t give your power to the people and always check for typos. Tracy Quan, a high class call girl, novelist, and stealth movement representative, pointed this out to me. Don’t use emails to vent, especially when you’re drunk, perched at the end of a terrible bar, fuming at your full blooded relation. My sister calls it a “Nasty Gram.” I thumbed out a cruel ‘message’, from the end of a bar with nostalgic 80s and 90s blaring for 3 people who now could not converse, due to Diva managers with Pandora, barkeeps with no cognition. Always Read the Room.

Full Diva wrath is not for you, dear reader, but its so so hard to stay calm. One of my first music gigs was on the flat bed of a pick up truck. In an alleyway, while the musicians fought, audibly, right nearby. Because it was the flat bed of a pick up truck, naturally we were physically quite close. I learned how to perform Spoken Word before they had a term for it. The years before “I’m reading” was commonly answered by “where?”

Oh, how I suffered at borders, where officials once tried to trick a foggy minded artist like myself with repetitive quizzes.

Jennifer Blowdryer’s most recent publication is Music A – Z, released by Zeitgeist Press in Las Vegas. She resides in the East Village neighborhood of New York City. Her music is available across various platforms, and she also teaches Instrumental English to asylum seekers.